Christmas in the air

Wow all our shopping is done. DH and MrT met MsA and I after gym on wednesday and had a mad shop. We split up and shopped. I was overwhelmed by the crowds ... couldn't wait to get home .... couldn't find anything. DH and MrT completed their shopping no worries. MsA and I finished today after her Chrissy party at school. Much less painful getting it down earlier in the day.

I really don't feel Christmassy. The house is looking nice, decorated and pressies under the tree. The kids are in the mood. I'm not. DH is away for work again. We still haven't resolved anything re my last post. Seems to have been forgotten and are now pretending to be "happy families".

Ho, ho ho. Where's my Christmas cheer??

Where do I stand now?????

After trying unsuccessfully for weeks to initiate a conversation on our future re kids/work/singapore I finally got my thoughts out in the open tonight.

We still haven't resolved anything. After pussyfooting around talking about whether there was any likelihood for schooling allowance for MrT in the future or if that was what my salary was to be earmarked for, I dropped the bombshell and laid it all on the line.

I told DH I wanted a baby and I wanted it now. This is not new information.

Apparently DH doesn't.

I told DH I was not happy working (surprise, surprise) but would continue to do so for the next year to save more money if we could start trying for a baby.

I got the silent treatment.

I don't know what to do....

concert time

What a day!

First, MsA had her first Grade 1 assembly performance, which was made into a big deal - but given her gala performances last year - was not so big. Half of the grade 1 classes were on stage together, dressed as flowers of different colours, reflecting the multicultural aspect of the school. They sang 3 songs and recited 2 poems, all with a "nature" theme to go along with their current POI unit.

Then, MrT made his stage debut, with an end of year concert for his preschool.
Now that was a big deal!

I had no idea his school was so big - and that he was definately the only caucasian kid. There were 8 K2 classes graduating (160+ kids) in addition to all the younger kids. Every class appeared on stage for an item in elaborate costume, and full makeup. The Christian aspect of the school was definately pushed - nearly every act was a bible chorus. MrT's was in Chinese .... something to do about lost sheep looking for the Shepherd.

Unfortunately MsA couldn't come to MrT's performance (limited seating - as it was we were relegated to watch via TV screen in the waiting room, which wasn't necessarily a bad thing as we got to see MrT before and after he went on stage). MrT walked home in costume and wanted to wake MsA up (it was 10pm). Will have to make do with a re-enactment by both kids tomorrow.

Lots of photos of both events. Even DVD of MrT's concert made by the school (fundraising). Fun!!

family time??

DH works hard, and I understand that he needs time to wind down ... just getting increasingly frustrated that he would rather spend his down time with his workmates than his family. This has been a problem in the past - and is back again.

The kids were very excited that this week has a number of public holidays in it, cos it meant that daddy would be spending time at home. (I was actually a little annoyed that this break snuck up on us and we weren't able to take advantage by planning a holiday) MsA asked that we call all weekends, public holidays etc "family time" because she loved having us all together.

I don't think she would have been impressed to hear daddy tell me that he was going off with one of his workmates all day today to a park that I have been pleading daddy to go with us to ... oh, and of course this was said last night after he returned home late, smelling of beer when he had told me earlier in the day he would come straight home cos he wanted to join the boys for drinkies on friday and knew he shouldn't do it twice in a week.

Apparently the look of disgust and the silent treatment I gave him got the message across - he must have started to sober up - cos he didn't go with the boys today after all. Hmmm.... I like to think thats why he didn't go .... not cos it rained all night and the park would be a mudhole!

The things we do...

...for love... not necessarily of our partner, but for our fave hobby!

In a moment of pure insanity I decided to go to Melbourne the weekend before last for a arts exhibition/convention. www.paperific.com.au
I caught the overnight flight on Wednesday, travelled a couple of hrs by train to spend thurs and Fri with my parents, bussed it back to melbourne saturday morning (as the trains were off), shopped and socialised madly for two days, flew back sunday night and showed up bright and early for work on monday!
It was an opportunity to blow my hard earned first pay cheque. Boy, did I achieve that! Spent way more than I intended. Have no excuse not to spend more time on my art as I have so many supplies and new toys to play wih now.
I just need to find time to use them. Still haven't unpacked as had the most hectic week at work, and still trying to finish off a couple of reports.

a walk in the park

I've been dying to spend some quality time with DH. We are both really tired and busy at the moment and it feels like forever since we took some time out for ourselves.
We just had a really nice picnic lunch at the BBQ areas downstairs. I would have loved to have just walked aimlessly hand in hand and talk about everything and nothing. I tried to think about the last time we did that ... it hasn't happened since we had kids, 6+ yrs ago. No wonder we are drifting apart. We haven't found a time or place to "connect".
Our first "special" place when we were dating was Petersham Park. We used to go for walks there at night, and just sit by the rotunda and share our dreams. We did go a couple of times when the kids were small to sit and watch the baseball games. This was definately a happy place.
Another place was the beach and cliffs around Coogee. This tended to be a place we went to when we wanted to reflect on something. Lots of icecream, hugs and tears shared.

Ohh, what I would give to find a Petersham Park here!!!

I've made a decision

I'm so happy. I have made a decision - not telling you though!
I'm now at peace with work/family/home etc. I've had some time to reflect on what my real desires are, regardless of circumstances/surroundings. Now I know what is possible and what direction I see my life going.
Time to rejoice in finding the way to my personal fulfillment.
I'm going to try and keep my mouth shut for a while. Both DH and I have a some time apart due to travel at the moment. I am going to wait until we can sit down together to discuss this. This is not the time for impulsive decisons, ultimatums, or scare tactics.

Think!!!

Another downside of me working is that it means we have no choice to have a live in domestic helper/nanny. In Singapore this is a very common occurrence and many of the western expats that come here jump at the chance to handover some of the more mundane household chores and childcare to someone else.

We have had Liza with us for a year. She is very efficient and the kids love her .... I on the otherhand still can't get used to sharing my home with another person. And I'm not a good boss! I need to learn how to communicate better with her. She continues to do some tasks in ways that really annoy me, but I can't seem to get this message across.

I nearly lost it tonight. We splurged and asked Liza to pick up take away pizza and while she was waiting to get the bread and milk for tomorrow. She came home with raisin bread (our w'end breakfast treat), no regular bread(!) AND carrying the pizza hanging sideways in the bag. It is not the first time we have had pizza. She knows that you carry the box FLAT. Thankfully the pizza base was a thin, crispy one, so the whole thing didn't collapse ... just a few "squashed pieces".

Can't believe how worked up I got about this. In the big scheme of things it was nothing. But add it to the other little "niggles"which I have spoken to her about before, like leaving boiling water unattended on the stove, not maintaining basic supply of milk and bread, not waiting for a full load for the washer/dryer, etc and my frustration level is oh so high! If only DH and I hadn't agreed that I would work for a while so we could afford to have another baby without changing our lifestyle. Cos, much to the shock of many of the expats here I think I could happily change my lifestyle to one that didn't involve a live in maid!

Moaning already

Knew it wouldn't take long .... moaning already about being a working woman!

I am SOOOO tired!!!! I love the work I am doing - but it is taking all my energy. I need to get work fitness!

Yesterday I had a great day at work. Probably my best day at GSS. All the kids were really responsive - no biting/screaming/crying/running away/zoning out. I then caught a taxi straight to the clinic to see a client for a coworker on AL, and that session went well too.

Just frustrating that I left the house at 8am, didn't get home til 5.30pm. I know that this is a normal day for millions of people ... I miss my kids though, and don't think I should be away from them for that long. I felt sorry for MsA: it was her first day of school holidays and I was working. MrT still gets upset with me being away for so long.

Remember, I am working because I WANT to - not because I HAVE to. I think I will just have to be more strict on limiting my hours. Not saying "yes" to every offer of additional work. Although, I did just get my first month's pay cheque ... and that is definately a motivator to continue working. See it's not all bad!

Surreal birthday experience

Yesterday was my bday. Total non event (not that I minded!). Came home tired after work. DH brought home KFC as "special" bday dinner(??) and yummy cake. Sang "happy birthday" when the candles were lit ....all very nice .... then .... my 3yo and 6yo sang happy birthday to me in mandarin. Where did that come from??????
Definately not something I would have anticipated.

May I give you my card?

Never thought it would happen ... have had name cards made up. Wonder how long it will take me to get through the box??? I guess if I don't end up using them for work I can always stamp the reverse side as an ATC when going to stamp conventions!

Blinkers on

I was happy today to be able to go into school this morning to fill in for one of the "reading mums". (One of the downsides of work! Can't make it to all the school stuff)

I had hoped that MsA would be performing well with reading, coming from an English speaking family, and having me help her at home. Unfortunately she isn't going as great as I had hoped ... but more worrying is her classroom behaviour. She isn't getting anything done, and is distracting everyone. I'll have to follow up more closely with her teacher, but I am suspecting mild SI issues and am kicking myself for not picking it up earlier. It's my job, for goodness sake!

I guess it is one of those things - you don't see what is under your nose. Or maybe its that you (I) don't want to believe it could affect my own child.

Working girl

I started work last week. Yay! I had all but given up, and all but convinced DH to try for a baby instead, LOL!

Last week I worked 3 afternoons at the clinic providing coverage for the boss while she was on leave. I never expected to like clinic work so much. The kids were great. Although the visiting boy from Burma was interesting - had to use his mum as an interpreter, and her english wasn't great either!...ohhh, and he pee'd all over the therapy equipment! Maybe suggesting toilet training for this 3 1/2 y.o. wasn't such a great idea.

Anyways..... TODAY I had my first day at Genesis. A big surprise - they do want me to work 2 days/wk after all. It was a lot of fun... although a bite on my thigh from one of the kids was not quite the welcome I had hoped for!

I have lots of prep work (unpaid!) to do at home, but I don't mind. It's just great to be a working girl again.

(Yeah, I know .... next week I'll probably be moaning about it!!)

Life is so much easier...

... thanks to improving technology. Yeah right! That's what my DH tries to tell me and is the reason I have been "intermittently internet-less" for the last few weeks. Probably a good idea in retrospect cos I would have no doubt filled the blog with my dramas and tales of woe! (Yes, I did cycle again into a "bleak" period - what to blame it on ... PMS, work, DH ... take your pick, lol!)

DH convinced me that it was necessary to upgrade our already superfast broadband connection, justifying it as "testing the technology" for a product they were about to introduce at work. The only reason I said yes was because the cost will be subsidised by work (and not much is these days, so better take advantage!).

Nothing but trouble since the upgrade though. Had to change wireless router and now my laptop can't recognise it. DH was unable to guide me through manual connection, so I was left with occasional access to DH's PC. Have to wonder why I have a laptop - it's not working out to be so portable!

Moody mama!

LOL! saw this floating around ...


My husband was unhappy with my mood swings.
He bought me a mood ring the other day,
in an attempt to monitor my ?moods.
We've discovered that
when I'm in a good mood,
it turns a beautiful blue-green. ?
When I'm in a bad mood,
It leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

I want to talk!!!!

Hmmm/Grrr/Sigh!!

Sunday nights are our go across the road to the hawker centre for cheap eats night. I've been moping around all day (still!) and DH asked what I wanted for dinner. I said I wanted something really light, like sushi, but there is no where close by to get it. I went to check the fridge for an alternative and mentioned I felt like a beer (v unusual for me). DH commented on it it being "one of those days" and I replied saying "yep, I'm sick of not knowing what I want to be doing in my life at the moment - or what I CAN do". Suprisingly, DH said nothing other than he was going to get dinner ... I thought it was the perfect opportunity to start a discussion.

So still DH does not know/will not hear my concerns re our savings/finances, my desire for another baby, and how these impact on us staying in singapore or returning to our home country. Is it disinterest/fear/or plain ignorance?? Just as I am frustrated about my lack of control over my work situation, I am frustrated about this ongoing poor communication and it is wearing me down.

Apathy

It has been a week since MIL left and I have been able to "reclaim" my home. You would think that I would be running around happily rediscovering my space ... but alas, a major energy drain sees me doing nothing but getting the kids off to school and spending the day moping around. Yes, having MIL on her mad shopping spree tired me out, but I think this is one of my cyclical apathetic moods .... no energy, no motivation, feeling stressed and depressed re finances/work/family. How long with this last??

The decadent chocolate fountain

Yum!!! Went out to dinner last night with MIL and some of my stamping friends. It was the first time I had been to one of the dinner buffets at the big hotels - shameful, I know!

I'm not sure what was the highlight ... the tons of fresh seafood, the dumpling man, the yummy curries. Who am I kidding??? The highlight was definately the dessert bar, and while the DIY ice kachang was cool, and the cakes and kueh yummy, the supreme dessert was the chocolate fountain.

I watched for a while to see how others were making the most of the choc, fruit, and ice cream. I opted for the freshly made waffle cone, stuffed with choc coated fruit (done fondu style under the fountain), drizzled in raspberry puree, with vanilla ice cream on the side.

It was soooo good I had to have seconds, just to make sure it was not a fluke that dessert could be so yummy!

My baby is a big boy

MrT has been nagging me to find him a "school" for ages. We finally decided on small kindergarten within walking distance from home and went in today to register with the view of him starting next week. MrT tried on the new uniform and refused to take it off, saying he was staying at school .... guess what .... he did!!!!

He was SOOOOO excited and told everyone who walked past that he was starting school. He didn't follow the teacher to the classroom - he RAN infront! He told me "go home now mummy, I'm staying at school now and the teacher can look after me".

I guess I should be proud that he is so confident and excited about school. I am ... but mainly sad that my little boy is now big!

When we picked him up after school all the way home he talked nonstop about how much he liked his new school and new uniform. It was such an effort to get him to change his clothes - and he insisted on undressing himself. 15min long minutes later he had undone shirt buttons for the first time in his life. Such a change ... I have been frustrated by how dependant he has become on Liza to do basic things ... but now he wants to do it all himself, because that is what big kids do!

The lure of shopping

I am tired! My MIL is visiting (her first O/S trip) and from the moment she set foot in this country all she has wanted to do is shop!
She has absolutely no interest in sightseeing or indulging in local customs - although I guess shopping is a local custom!
It's going to be a long two weeks ...

Sigh!

I just showed DH the art journal I have started as part of the "40 days of purpose" and discussed the possibility of him joining me in reading the book. His reaction was dismissive ... of my art journal and the prospect of spending time together on the book.

I know we have grown apart over the years, and we have discussed that we need to spend quality time together to get to know each other again and work on our relationship. This feels like a slap in the face to me. What is most disappointing is that what most attracted me to my DH was his faith, and this seems to be no longer even on the radar for him. (I'm not perfect either I hasten to add, as my own Christian faith has ebbed and flowed too)

The longest 40 days!

I've had Rick Warren's book for months and have finally decided to take the 40 day challenge. I had been waiting until my DH was in the country for 40 consecutive days so we could do it together, but alas with his schedule it looks like that will never occur! The challenge recommends journalling your thoughts in response to the daily stimulus readings. I have taken this one step further and am creating an art journal. It seemed the perfect opportunity to set some regular creative time aside and to form an art "habit".

Despite all the reationale the bookgives about why "40 days" is important I have seen from the outset that this project is going to take much longer to complete. I take one day with the reading and thinking about my reactions to it, then another day to actually create the journal page (especially if I do background techniques and need to wait for it to dry before I journal over it).

Only 2 days (4 days) into it and I've been put on hold. My art space (aka study aka music room aka guest room) is about to be taken over by the visiting MIL for the next 2 wks.

I'll be lucky to finish this 40 day project by the end of the year at this rate!!

A curious incident ... at MOM

I finished reading A curious incident last week. It raised mixed feelings as I am supposed to start working at a special ed school with kids with similar diagnoses/issues at the start of August. I was actually supposed to start in May(?memory is fading it was *so* long ago), however have been awaiting the Government to approve my work permit. I have never heard of someone already in Singapore on a Dependent Pass having difficulty getting the "endorsement" (Letter of Consent) to work. My profession is even listed on the foreign talent wanted (or whatever they call it) list. The MOM (Ministry of Manpower) website says the process takes 2 wks. It took 3 mths til I finally found out that the LOC was rejected. No reason given. Since then, my employer and I have lodged an appeal using an employment agent (who reputedly has great success) and I had hoped to hear the outcome this week. Frustrating!!!! I really want to get back to work (even though I know the position will be very challenging), but it is out of my hands for now.

Pretentious??? No the wisdom of a Chinese Proverb

I've been thinking a lot about that last post I made last week where I boldly made the statement "I am an artist". I had been contemplating deleting the statement as it sounded grandious and pretentious and totally NOT me. Then I realised I needed to be true myself and be positive. So what that my creative endeavours are infrequent. Quantity has nothing to do with quality.

Time for some self actualisation. "Say it, live it, believe it, become it" etc.

It also made me reflect on an ancient chinese proverb that I had carved into stone chops. It reads:

Art is long. Life is short.

and so endth the lesson.

So what is it all about??

Good question!
Why did I decide to join the masses and start a blog and what on earth does triumph-art refer to?

At this stage, this will be my personal journal. I won't be madly rushing around promoting this site to everyone (anyone!) I know. I don't care if anybody reads it. It will be for me.

It will be a place to vent, to wonder, to cry, to question, to marvel etc about the things that are happening in my life.

It will be a place where I hope positive energies are restored.

Think positive, be positive.

• Just as I've followed the masses in the trend of starting a weblog, I'm realising that (like so many others) I've been living without purpose and intent to my actions for a long time. It's time for me to find out who I am, what I'm passionate about, and to be happy.
  
  
  This I know already:
  
  
• I am passionate about seeing beauty in the world around me.
• I am a paper artist. (Wow! That's the first time I've used that title to describe what I had previously referred to as a "hobby" or "craft").
• I love being a mother.
• I am the owner of a 1975 Triumph Stag, Mark II. Now that is art!!!! Unfortunately my car is in a different country to where I currently live, and it has not been driven for a number of years. But it is still ART! (and it is a beautiful beast when it is on the road *grin*).

Now, if only the rest of my life was so clearly defined.
And so begins the journey of self discovery .....

Lists, lists, lists

What do you know .... for once I did it!!!!

I wrote a "to do" list, and actually *did* what was on the list.
I took great satisfaction in crossing off all the items. It's strange how something as accomplishing something as simple as this can make you feel better.

Despite being a "perfectionist" I am also a chronic procrastinator.
The two character traits don't mesh well together!

For now, I will celebrate that I achieved this minor goal.

(Yes, starting a blog was on the list)