So far, so good

I'm in the midst of "rocking the boat", and so far, so good.

I think I over analyse or always prepare for the worst case scenario, which means I am pleasantly surprised when things go smoothly! Maybe I'm just surrounded my gracious and understanding people.

How lucky am I?

Time to rock the boat

I suffer from the "disease to please".

I'm going to make some tough decisions over the coming weeks where I will aim to be selfish and think of myself first. I'm sick of feeling cornered into making decisions based on not wanting to hurt someone else's feelings.

I hope I am strong enough to carry through, and that those who are affected by my decisions understand and don't feel let down.

Getting things done

Today is MrM's second day at childcare. He started last wednesday, and of course loved it. I surprised myself by not crying, worrying about him etc. I realised that when both the other kids went to childcare I was beside myself. I was so concerned about my babies and sad that a stage of their life where I (and DH - better give him some recognition!) was their sole caregiver was over. I mean, how was someone else supposed to know how to care for MY baby.

I thought I would be even worse this time around, knowing that this was going to be the last time I would be handing over a baby. I think because I was so sick with the flu I didn't really consider it. I am sad that my last baby is fast growing up, I guess I just feel that I can enjoy the "growing up" stage more and don't have to concentrate on baby-ness.

Anyway, today is the first day that I have had to myself since we moved. I should be concentrating on FFC things, but as pre usual housework etc called first. I am glad that I did take the time to get some personal stuff done. I've FINALLY sent out email change of address, and I've already had some response to that which is nice. Even more surprising, I've had a response to a general email request re establishing some work options. It will be interesting to see how things pan out.

I still haven't touched my craft room though!

I'm sick

Urghh!! Still feel terrible. It's been nearly a week and I'm still feeling yuck. Unfortunately the kids now seem to be coming down with it. DH is keeping his distance, so he is the only one who is still healthy. I'm not sure whether DH is keeping his distance just because he is concerned about his health - just as I was coming down with the flu he bore the brunt of one of my temper tantrums, and was told he hadn't heard the last of it, there was still more to discuss. I think he is hoping that in my sickness I've forgotten!

Cool stamp giveaway!

Isn't the Stamping Queen generous!

Check it out

Persistence pays off!

Yee haa! I finally found it.

The missing handle of my cuttlebug has been found.

I was on the verge of buying a completely new machine, as it appeared the handle was lost in the move and it's impossible to buy spare parts. Thank goodness I found it. I was about to blow the money on buying a replacement at the Stitches and Craft show this weekend.

Now I can spend the money on something else - like Nestabilities!

Taking Charge

I've been moping around too long. The bitter cold snap hasn't helped. I've decided to get on with it and move forward. There's no point in pining for the past, or sitting back and waiting for new routines and friends to miraculously appear.

I've had a couple of productive days. I've finally got some of the basic things done - change of address etc, re-establishing contact with my stamping groups, research local childcare and work opportunities. All things that should have been done long ago.

In a way I have been surprised that I have had the most difficulty meeting people. I thought it would have been easy, what with walking the kids to school, finding playgroups for MrM etc. It seems that my concerns that Ms A would struggle making connections when social groups were already well established proved to be not so much a concern for her as for me! I'm going to have to push outside of my comfort zone to try and meet people. I wonder if there are social skills classes for adults??

Adjustments

Over the last few days I have started to try and assess how we as a family have coped with the move back to Australia. We have been back in Oz for 2 months, and in our home for about 6weeks. Surely that is enough time to find our feet?

Well, there are still boxes to be unpacked (mainly in my craft room), and cupboards to be reorganised as we continue to find that original storage ideas were not as convenient or intuitive as initially thought.

DH seems to have settled straight into work routines, having found the best and worst times for train travel into the city. I am enjoying the occasional work from home days he takes (I guess that is the perk of being the boss), it makes up in part for the fact that he is away from home longer each day (commute times). We still have some finetuning on the delineation of domestic tasks. He does make an effort, and for that I am thankful ... its just that there is soo much more to be done in a house this size compared to our tiny apartment. It would be nice for me to have time to think about something other than cleaning, laundry, gardening etc!

The kids are going OK at school. We had parent-teacher meetings this week. Ms A is doing fine, with the exception of spelling. Apparently her skills are ahead or on par with the rest of the class, which suggests to me that curriculum was harder in Singapore. I really felt that she struggled in G3 and her grades put her on the low side of average (more she wasn't pushed to apply herself, and instead enjoyed being a social butterfly). Interestingly, I think it the social side she is having trouble with now. She was faced with the difficult situation of making friends in the middle of the school year, when friendship groups are already established. It is unusual for mid year commencement here. In Singapore, comings and goings were an expected thing, and the kids were much more accepting of change. Here I see Ms A being "locked out", almost as if she is seen as a "try hard" by trying to initiate friendships with everyone. She doesn't seem to notice when she is given the brush off, but I see it regularly when I am doing the school run with her. It doesn't seem to faze her, maybe I'm making a bigger deal out of it than it really is.

MrT is loving school. He seems to have found a close group of friends already, and is excited to have been invited to 2 birthday parties. Academically he has coped with the step up really well. I knew he was doing well in reading and maths in Singapore, but there wasn't much in the way of bookwork going on when he was in kindergarten. He arrived mid way through year 1 (effectively missing 6mths schooling) and was thrown in the deep end with expectations for journal writing, dictation, spelling etc. These were all new things for him. He struggled for the first couple of weeks, but has really excelled himself now. He is the top reader (by 3 or 4 levels), and ahead in maths too. His writing is holding him back, and I could have laughed when the teacher said maybe we should think about OT referral if it doesn't improve soon. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I am an OT. I will work with him at home to improve stroke formation, fluency and endurance, but I'm not overly concerned. I know it's not a neuromotor problem or anything - just exposure. It doesn't help that he is left handed, male, and had learnt a different script style. We'll get there!

Now, as for me, how am I coping with all the changes? I honestly don't know. For the most part I have been busy trying to create/maintain normalacy for everyone in the family. I still grieve for what I have lost in terms of lifestyle, friends, work etc in Singapore. I know I have gained lots being in Sydney too: closer to family (can't believe dad came up and stayed for a couple of days to help organise the garden); weekend barbies etc.

There is a lot holding me form fully embracing the circumstances I now find myself in. I still feel bitter that I didn't have more say in the matter, and I still don't feel I have much control in whats going on. One of my biggest gripes is that I don't really understand our financial situation, and having been the one that paid the bills etc in Singapore, not knowing what our budget looks like at the moment scares me. I still don't have an ATM card for goodness sake! I don't know if I should be looking at going back to work straight away or not. I don't really want to, but I have to if I want to continue my involvement with FFC, and at least its an avenue to meet people.

Fruity

You Are a Banana

You are mellow, easy going, and a total softie on the inside. People find it really easy to get along with you. You suit most tastes. And while you're very sweet, you're not boring or ordinary. You have an attraction to the exotic, and you could show up anywhere... doing almost anything! You are spirited, energetic, and a total kick to be around. You're also quite funny. Your sense of humor is on the goofy side, and it fits you well.

What Type of Fruit Are You?

Waiting

I'm getting itchy feet. Sick of living in the serviced apartment and can't wait to set up house. We signed loan papers this week, but it I'm getting frustrated with the whole process ... the bank is taking ages to process everything, and they "forgot" to tell us that we need to have insurance organised before they will release the money and exchange contracts of sale. Hopefully all will be finalised by Friday, which is settlement day. We now have fingers crossed that we will have our furniture delivered on Saturday.

I've been feeling pretty helpless in this whole process. I mean, we had a mortgage broker, buyers agent, and lawyer do most of the stuff, and DH was the only one liaising with them. I always dreamed about looking for and buying my own home - but maybe it's a good thing I wasn't: I'm sure the stress would have killed me!

Hitting the ground running

We are at the serviced apartment in Sydney. Phew. Departure from Singapore was less than smooth, but that was probably a good thing as it stopped me getting all sentimental.

We checked out the new home on Monday afternoon, and thankfully it is not as bad as the photos DH sent. The bathroom is definately "snug" and in need of improvements, but the house itself is great. How can I complain - I have a craft room!

Today we visited the kids' school and picked up uniforms etc so that they can start next week. They are both walking around in their uniforms waiting to show off to daddy when he walks in the door.

I do hope the school transition will be OK. Apparently class sizes are pretty big. I'm most concerned that MsA will struggle in the big class - she is so easily distracted. It looks like she will be placed in a 3/4 composite class, I think that could be a good thing for her.

I don't have any concerns for MrT - other than I hope his inquisitiveness and desire to share his general knowledge doesn't come across as being a "chatterbox". I guess it wasn't a great start for him when he got in trouble from the principal during the school tour for jumping up and walking on the lunch benchs. Ooops!

Packing

The time has come. The movers are here, packing away 6 years worth of Singapore. I'm stuck in my bedroom, sitting on the floor trying to get enough signal to surf the net one last time before modem is disconnected.

I'm sad to be leaving. I'm tired - I didn't get to bed until 4am this morning, doing the final cull before the movers arrived. DH arrived back In SIngapore SUnday night, and I mistakenly thought he wouldn't be going to work - or have after hourse commitments. Whoops! Guess it really was up to me to get everything sorted!

Running into school soon for Ms A's class party. Tomorrow MrT has kindergarten graduation!

Think we have one last night in our apartment - sleeping on matresses on the floor! There was some misunderstanding about whether we had hotel booking tonight or not. The movers come back tomorrow afternoon to try and cram everything into the shipping container. Then we have Saturday to clean up the place, and hand keys back to the landlord on Sunday. MrT has a bday party for one of his best friends Sunday afternoon - we go from there to the airport!!!

Crazy!

Learning from past mistakes

I saw a snippet of a doco about Cambodia yesterday. It captured my attention for a number of reasons, not least the fond memories I have of our trip there in Jan 2004.

The doco raised a number of concerns which suggested that maybe the Khmers haven't learnt from the mistakes of the past which saw their huge empire come crashing down in the 12th(?) century and that despite their great intentions history may end up repeating itself.

The story focused on tourism, and the management of the ancient temples of Angkor Wat and surrounds. Construction of hotels seems to be going on without any controls or forethought. Apparently there are over 100 hotels in Siem Reap constructed, or under construction - and most of them look HUGE! I can't remember if the doco said 8,10, or 12 years ago - there was only ONE hotel. (I'm sure there would have been guesthouses/backpackers etc).

There are environmental issues associated with water pollution, illegal logging, lowering of the water table etc. It seems ridiculous that the province of Siem Reap which is the heart of the tourist trade is the poorest province in the nation. The ranking of Cambodia as second only to Myanmmar as the most corrupt nation in Asia is alarming, but perhaps sheds some light on the great inequities in the country.

What happens to these people when the tourists stop coming??...

It's Official

You Are a Werewolf

You're unpredictable, moody, and downright freaky. You seem sweet and harmless, until you snap. Then you're a total monster. Very few people can predict if you're going to be Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. But for you, all your transformations seem perfectly natural. Your greatest power: Your ability to tap into nature Your greatest weakness: Lack of self control You play well with: Vampires

What Kind of Monster Are You?

Happy Mother's Day

It doesn't matter how many time I see this, it still makes me smile. (But is it all a matter of "ego" *WINK*)

A woman, renewing her driver's license, was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.

She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.

'What I mean is, ' explained the recorder, 'do you have a job or are you just a ...?'

'Of course I have a job,' snapped the woman.

'I'm a Mum.'

'We don't list 'Mum' as an occupation,

'housewife' covers it,' Said the recorder emphatically.


I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like, 'Official Interrogator' or 'Town Registrar.'

'What is your occupation?' she probed.

What made me say it? I do not know. The words simply popped out.

'I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations.'

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and looked up as though she had not heard right.

I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written, in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire. 'Might I ask,' said the clerk with new interest, 'just what you do in your field?'

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, 'I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't) In the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family) and already have four credits (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money.'

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she
completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career,
I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.
Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby) in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy!
And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than 'just another Mum.'

Motherhood!

What a glorious career!
Especially when there's a title on the door.

Is Ego a bad thing??

I was really hurt by comments/assumptions made by someone I respected (see previous post). I've spent a lot of time thinking about the issue and how (if at all) I should respond to it.

During this time I saw the end of an Oprah show about the Eckhardt Tolle book she is featuring in her book club. I erronously thought it was about the greenhouse effect and ways to reduce the impact of it in your everyday life. No idea where I came up with that!

Anyway, the book is infact a self help book ... and my initial reaction on hearing the man speak and listening to excerpts taken from the book was that it was too "new age" for me - and reminded me of a guy that Oprah featured years ago called ...umm, Gary Zukov (or something similar). I remember thinking at the time that he had a lovely "buddhist like" philosophy and was so gentle and calm - but also out of touch with modern living and technology. He didn't even have a TV. I knew that such a "simple" mindset and way of living wouldn't fit in our high tech home.

Back to Eckhardt. One of the key points mentioned was that people should strive for/accept peace in the moment. It suggested that most often we struggle with this because we are either holding onto thoughts of the past (what if/why etc) or plans for the future which block us from just being happy and at peace in the moment. The reason we do this - we can't forgo our ego.

Hmm ...

After hearing that I realised that continuing to focus on the hurtful words said to me I was just making the pain last longer, and I couldn't "be" happy if I was harbouring these negative emotions. The more I thought about it, the more it hurt. I realised that "retaliation" or rebuttal wasn't going to achieve anything. I needed to let it go. So I deleted the offending emails. I felt better, as I wasn't reminded of the feelings of hurt everytime I opened up my email account.

Later in the day I was on the bus with MrM and the thoughts drifted into my head again. At the same time MrM stood up on my lap, looked me straight in the eye, smiled, then gave me a GREAT big hug. At that moment I understood what "peace in the moment" meant. Talk about the weight of the world being lifted off my shoulders - I nearly started crying all over again ... just because of the joy and relief I felt.

So it felt good...

Then I started to wonder why the comments hurt so much in the first place. Was it pride in my professional status? Was it ego?

I never thought I had a big ego. I never thought I cared too much about what others thought of me. I thought I was a pretty relaxed and independent person. I don't have that many close friendships and that didn't bother me 'cos I was happy in my own skin. Then I started to wonder ... am I actually a typical "martyr" .... sacrificing everything for my kids and family .... giving all of myself to my work (when I am employed!).

I imagine Eckhardt would say that this is all ego. The need to be wanted and valued.

That's where I have a problem ... whats wrong with feeling wanted or valued?? We are not loners. We are not pack animals either. But we do live in communities and family groups. My sense of identity and sense of self is closely linked to the roles I fulfil within my community. I chose to work in a service related industry because it makes me feel good. Does that mean I only feel good when I am recognised for helping others and I constantly seek that recognition? And is that "good" feeling actually pride? I don't think so, but it is a part of me.

I think I need to spend some time on "me". I am feeling so beat up with this move - I feel like I have aged 10yrs in the last 2 mths. I need to take time to reconnect with myself ... and my family. DH has been talking about our new home being a "seachange" for us. I think we need to take the time to find out!

Tasteeeeee

Have you ever wondered what the alphabet tasted like - particularly the letter "E"?

Ask MrM.

Apparently "E" is very high in fibre, and hard to digest. It greeted me when I changed his nappy last night. There, sitting amongst the stinky stuff was a small white alphabet bead.

I have no idea when he consumed it. I assume it came from MsA's room and fell onto the floor while we were cleaning up. MrM has a habit of pursing his mouth and rolling his tongue around so that it always looks like he has something in his mouth. I've for the most part given up checking if he has something stored in his mouth ... I guess I need to be more diligent after all.

Rumours

Oh the power of the whispered rumour. What was that game we played as children? ... chinese whispers ... remember how the message relayed was always changed?

I've just had my own "chinese whisper" experience, and it hurts.

Suffice it to say that someone (who I thought would know better!) I know from my professional life heard a false rumour about me, and has accepted this falsehood as truth. The falsehood injured her feelings and made her question my integrity. Her reaction has unfortunately done the same to me.

Be nice people!

My baby girl is 9

A quick one to celebrate a fun and successful day.

Ms A is 9 today! She celebrated by having a sleepover last night with her two best friends, and then had 5 more friends join for a casual party today.

I admit I was concerned about how smoothly it would go, as I hadn't had the time to prepare as much as I had wanted. It was also a little sad as DH couldn't be with us.

The party went fine. It was refreshing to see that a "no frills", "back to basics" party is still OK. It seems that birthday "events" are "de rigeur" ... at least here, where expats tend to have high disposable incomes, and (as much as we don't like to admit it) get sucked into that whole "kiasu" mindset that is prevalent in Singapore.

One of the funny things was hearing the girls have their midnight chat. There was already "boy talk" ... who do you like, etc. It was still tinged with the whole "boy germs" thing, but it's a bit scary to think that Ms A is getting to that stage in her life already.

The cliche is so apt - they DO grow up too fast.

Our other news, DH bought Ms A a HUGE bday present: our new home! Yay! Offer has been accepted. Things are starting to fall into place.

Breathe

It will all get done. It will work out in the end. Go with the flow, and don't fight it. It may not all get done perfectly, but it will get done.